Oh I get it...like humor...but different.

Friday, July 30, 2004

What a guy!

My thanks to Sergei, who has so kindly found Hubcap and me a house. Take a look. I think it will work beautifully for us.

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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Interpreting House Ads II

I was discussing the previous post with Hubcap last night, and it occurred to me that I wasn't properly appreciating California housing. I mean, compared to Arkansas housing...well....

Here is the Arkansas interpretation of house ads:

"Designer colors" means "Rustoleum spray paint."

"Pool-size back yard" means "farm pond."

"Former model home" means .... okay, that means nothing. There ARE no model homes in Arkansas.

"Peekaboo view" means "Next door to the pharmacist's widow."

"RV parking" means your house IS the RV.

"Look at all the shopping being built in the area!" means "You don't have to go far to get bait."

"Reduced $30K for a fast sale" means "We will pay YOU."

"Big dogs! Call before showing" means "What is that smell under the front porch?"

"Prestigious neighborhood" means "You can hardly smell the hog farm way up here."

"Just back on the market" means "Bobby Joe violated parole again."

"Three-car garage" means "A barn and two old chicken houses."

"Three-car tandem garage" means "Pa, we found a use for that big hole in the basement foundation!"

"Easy access to 15, 210 and 10 freeways" means "Freeways?"

"Street too new to be on Mapquest" means "Turn left at the big catalpa tree and follow the beat-down-grass path toward the creek."

"Turnkey" means "Except for adding indoor plumbing and fixing that hole in the roof, she's good to go."

"Space-saver kitchen" means a barbeque pit and a cooler out back.

"Nice trees" means a yard full of walnuts hulls, catalpa worms, and mulberry birdshit.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Interpreting House Ads

I don't know what intrigues me more about this house: the new pain inside or the shooping center.


"Designer colors" means "It looks like Barney threw up all over the bedroom walls (purple and green stripes? Why???).

"Pool-size back yard" doesn't guarantee that it would accommodate an ADULT size pool, now does it?

"Former model home" means "this house has been walked through by a population equivalent to that of the continent of Asia, and you can see every footstep on the whupped-ass carpet."

"Peekaboo view" means "if you stand at the top of the roof and jump really high, you might be able to see something. Maybe."

"RV parking" means "Half your yard is concrete."

"Look at all the shopping being built in the area!" means "your view from the master bedroom window is the loading dock at Ralphs."

"Reduced $30K for a fast sale" means "No one is buying this turkey."

"Big dogs! Call before showing" means "The last agent who went in there has never been heard from again."

"Prestigious neighborhood" means "right next to the freeway."

"Just back on the market" means "it was in escrow and didn't appraise at anywhere near what they were asking for it, so it dropped out."

"Three-car garage" means "Three cars if one of them is a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe."

"Three-car tandem garage" means "One of your cars is so far buried the bowels of the house that you will need a map and a flashlight to ever find it again."

"Easy access to 15, 210 and 10 freeways" means "Under the three-way interchange."

"Street too new to be on Mapquest" means "You are going to be surrounded by new construction for months."

"Turnkey" means "If you don't count the fact that you are going to hate all the wall colors and have to repaint, and replace the cheap countertops, and rip out the carpet to add the hardwood flooring that you really want, and punch a hole through to turn two small bedrooms into one larger one, and build a patio cover, and landscape the backyard, and replace all the windowcoverings, it is ready to move in to."

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Poetic justice

Man wins jackpot 2 days after divorce from cheating wife final. Way to go, Randy!

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Private message to Melissa

You took the comments off, so I can't leave a comment telling you that your July 26 is stunning. But it is. Stunning, wonderful, raw, astonishing, masterful.

And if you are someone other than Melissa, what the hell are you doing reading this? Huh? Peeping Tom!

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Monday, July 26, 2004


I am all about housing.

Our house is for sale. There was an open house there this weekend, so Hubcap and I had to vacate, and poor CJ had to doggyboard. He is NOT happy with me. Doggyboarding is NOTHING like boogieboarding. It's not fun at all. On the upside, our house is clean and GORGEOUS. Funny how that works. When you get done getting it ready to show, you wonder what the heck you are selling it for! Not really...I am ready to move. But it does look nice. And smell nice. I even talked Hubcap into setting the thermostat all the way down to 73 degrees, although he did squeal pretty badly. There is nothing better than walking into a cool, sweet-smelling house on a hot day. I am the QUEEN of staging. Yes I am.

We also are looking for a house at the new location. Saturday we went out with our realtors (second trip in two Saturdays) and looked at so many Cali cookiecutter houses that I can't even remember which was which. Except for two of them. Don't get me wrong -- I like Cali. But the houses are all SO much the same. Miles and miles and miles of stucco. I dream of stucco. And the same floorplans over and over. The only real difference is in the size of the back yard and whether you have two master suites or one master and a huge bonus room. Oh, and are the kitchens upgraded? Could we get so lucky as to see granite countertops and cherry cabinets, or will it be another white tile over oak kitchen? Ack. Ptooie. No matter. There's always the cardboard box and the overpass....We have an offer in on a house, but the realtor is choosing to ignore it. I am not used to that at all. Where I am from, all offers have to be considered and answered, and you can't look at the next offer until you are through dealing with the one at hand. Not here. We have actually made TWO offers on the same house, the second one at full asking price. I hope she won't ignore that one. I really kinda like the house.

On Sunday we looked at senior living for my parents, who will probably be moving out here. THAT was interesting. My mom and dad lived in their own home until a year ago, when they moved into independent living. Even in independent living (in Arkansas), though, they have two bedrooms in a nice size apartment. To get that sort of thing out here, you better have 3 grand a month or more looking for new hands to crawl into. Needless to say, my mom and dad do NOT have 3 grand a month. And the "studio" apartments were about the size of a Holiday Inn room. :-( So now I am looking at senior apartments (rather than independent/assisted living) to see if maybe they could do that for a while.

Other than that, life goes on. PU2 is still in Arkansas with her dad (shout out to PU2! Hey, babygirl!!!!). Work, home, work, home. Tick tock tick tock.

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Friday, July 23, 2004

Thought du Jour

"Those who profess to favor freedom and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing the ground." - Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, editor and orator (1817-1895)

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Thursday, July 22, 2004

This list idea is stolen from Sergei who stole it from Vampyregirl who indicated that she stole it from Wickkett (three more degrees and we are at Kevin Bacon):

If I were a month, I'd be May.
If I were a day of the week I'd be Friday.
If I were a time of day I'd be 5:00 p.m.
If I were a planet I'd be Venus.
If I were a sea animal, I'd be a dolphin.
If I were a direction, I'd be northwest.
If I were a piece of furniture I’d be an overstuffed chair and a half.
If I were a liquid I would be Doctor Pepper.
If I were a tree I'd be a mimosa.
If I were a bird, I'd be a sea gull.
If I were a tool, I'd be drill.
If I were a flower/plant I’d be honeysuckle.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be a thunderstorm.
If I were a mythical creature I'd be a griffin.
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a drum.
If I were an animal I'd be a dog.
If I were a color, I'd be blue.
If I were an emotion, I'd be love.
If I were a vegetable, I'd be a mushroom.
If I were a sound, I'd be laughter.
If I were an element I'd be cobalt.
If I were a car, I'd be a Jeep.
If I were a song, I'd be "One Headlight" by the Wallflowers.
If I were a movie I’d be "What Dreams May Come."
If I were a book I'd be the dictionary.
If I were a food, I'd be chocolate.
If I were a place, I'd be Eureka Springs, Arkansas.
If I were a taste, I'd be sweet.
If I were a scent I'd be Aramis.
If I were a religion, I'd be Christianity.
If I were a word, I'd be loyal.
If I were an object I'd be a hat rack.
If I were a body part, I'd be eyes.
If I were a facial expression I'd be a tongue stuck out.
If I were subject in school I'd be geology.
If I were a shape I'd be a box.
If I were a number I'd be 6.
If I were a TV show I'd be "Roseanne."
If I were a hobby I'd be quilting.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

CJ the Dawg

He looks dashing after his day at the Dawg Spa, no? Note the dashing neck kerchief. What a guy!

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Pickled eggs????

Having just kidded Sergei about his post on pickled eggs, I was overcome with guilt at the realization that I haven't posted anything myself, not even about pickled eggs. So let me remedy that.

PU2 has gone to visit her dad in Arkansas for the next few weeks, and the house is very, very quiet....Oh, well, that may also be due to the fact that Hubcap dismantled the saltwater reef tank and moved it into the garage. I didn't realize how loud that puppy was until it was gone. You can hear a pin drop in the kitchen now....

Man. I got nothing. I can't even discuss pickled eggs intelligently. *sigh*

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Monday, July 19, 2004

OMG, getting a house ready to sell is SUCH hard work. Amazing how the stuff that is perfectly acceptable in a house in your day-to-day life is totally UNacceptable when you have strangers traipsing through. We even had to get the saltwater reef aquarium out of the kitchen. Can you imagine? Anyway, it's all in pretty good shape, so send me buyers.
By the way, thanks to Sandra, who gets (or at least TAKES) credit for hubcap getting the job offer. "Remember how I played minigolf with Jesus, Buddah and the guy with an elephant head and 6 arms on July 2nd?"
Anyway, I'm back. Mostly. Kinda. What did I miss????

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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Assholes and elbows
No, I'm not dead on the train tracks or something. I didn't get attacked by a mountain lion while bicycling. And I'm not a pancake underneath an overturned cement mixer. I'm just, well, busy.
Hubcap got the job offer. And as often happens after months of being on high-speed hold, things are happening very quickly. I took off three days this week to get our house ready to list, and it's almost ready to show. One more day and a visit from Stanley Steemer ought to do the trick. So, forgive me for being MIA.
Oh, and as for the title up there....hubcap tells a story about a former boss of his who would tell his workers to get busy by saying, "I want to look out there and see nothing but assholes and elbows." So that's me for the week. Assholes and elbows.
Everyone have a great weekend!

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Monday, July 12, 2004

It's 1 a.m., and my cell phone rings

Immediate panic. 1 a.m. calls=not good. Son, wreck? Mom or dad, ill? I pull the cell phone off the charger and answer. I hear my daughter's voice.

PU2: I just wondered, is that house on here?
Me: What????
PU2: Is that house on here? The one on Wilshire?
Me: Are you calling me from your bedroom?
PU2: *starting to sound a bit frustrated* Yes. Is that house on here?
Me: Hold on. I have NO idea what you are talking about. I'm coming out there.

I hang up and go to her room. She is sitting up in bed, looking totally spaced out.

Me: Now, WHAT?
PU2: I was going to look up that house on the computer. The Wilshire house. Is it on here?
Me: Do you know what TIME it is?
PU2: No, why?
Me: It's 1 a.m.!
PU2: Oh. OK.
Me: *realizing that I am talking to a sound asleep person*
Pu2: Wait a minute. I think I may be dreaming.
Me: Yeah. I think that you may indeed.
PU2: OK. *thud as she hits the pillow*

We had been looking at houses on line, and apparently she continued to do so in her sleep. I have heard of sleep walking and sleep eating...but I do believe this is the first time I have heard of sleep phoning. I hope she doesn't know anyone in Hong Kong!

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Why do I take these damn things?

This quiz was linked on Thought Minion's page. Why did I decide to take it? Do I really want to know this????

Wackiness: 50/100
Rationality: 50/100
Constructiveness: 54/100
Leadership: 44/100

You are an SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a hippie. You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.

You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.

Please don't get even with this web site.
Listen up, people: I have a massive mean streak. You were warned!!!!

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Friday, July 09, 2004


It's Friday. I can't bring myself to work. I have been very busily appearing to be busily busy for 3 hours and 20 minutes now, and I am about out of busy-looking busyness to be busy with. I'll be DAMNED if I am going to actually work. I think I feel a cold coming on *cough*faker!*cough*. Maybe I need to go home and drink tea with honey and take care of myself. But wait. 28 minutes until lunch! Yes, I can be busily busy for 28 more minutes. I'll worry about this afternoon this afternoon.

So...it's 77 degrees here in beautiful Santa Ana, Cali, where I work. The sun is shining, and the crows are screeching. I am THIS CLOSE to the weekend.

Let's see. Random thoughts.

Flip flops. The world's most annoying shoes? I think so. I don't want to listen to you walk, dude. Go buy some sneakers.

My dog looks mangey. He has dry skin and is licking all his hair off. Anyone have suggestions?

Anyone collect Golden Wheat pattern dishes, the kind that came in Duz detergent in the 1950s? I have a bunch I would love to sell....

I need a hammock. I don't have room for a hammock. It's cruel to live someplace with such great hammock weather and not have room for a hammock.

Ditto swimming pool.

Cell phones in the bathrooms at work. Why? I don't want to hear your conversation, and I bet the person on the other end doesn't want to hear your bathroom functions. Ack.

Las Vegas.

Dave Navarro is a cool dude and a righteous poker player.

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Thursday, July 08, 2004

Empty eye

This picture is from Melissa's gallery. I like it so much that I have it on my computer as wallpaper. Thanks, Melissa! Love your stuff....

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The slurry with the fringe on top

I live in a "gated community" in SoCal (translation: the gate slows down entry for the residents but is totally ineffectual at keeping any "undesirables" out [read: sk8rs who want to visit my daughter or teenage girls who want to lob bottles of goo at our front door]). It's a fairly new community; buildout was completed a little over a year ago.

So it is time to reseal the streets in the complex with "slurry" (translation: nasty black stuff that sticks and splatters and stinks like roofing tar). In order to do this, the streets must be closed to access for two days. They did half the complex last week. This week it is our turn.

What this means is that there is no access to garages or on-street parking in half of the complex for two days and one night. Not that there is that much on-street parking to begin with. But when you try to cram all the cars from all the garages and all the street-parkers into one-half the street slots, well, you do the math. It doesn't work.

The complex is next door to an athletic complex that has ample parking, however, so we have the luxury of parking at the park and entering by a side gate and walking to our homes. Nice, eh? Actually, it isn't too bad. Except that yesterday, during the time I was home for lunch, they slurried the only access to that side gate, so to get back to my car, I had to climb through bushes and landscaping and balance on a curb and, finally, take one step full in the slurry. Ack. Nasty. And then this morning, as I was walking to the car to go to work, it was raining. In SoCal. Raining. Aint that just life?

But I am sure it will all be worth it tonight when we can return and drive on our newly slurried and painted streets. Right?

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

I gotta write something

OK. It has been days. I have to have SOMETHING to say, right? Four days off in a row...I think that killed whatever brain cells I had left...

It may just have to suffice to say that I am still alive.

Let's see. Quiet weekend...worked around the house. Yesterday went to the maul with PU2....she was buying shorts for her trip to visit her dad....

We rented movies over the weekend. If you haven't seen "50 First Dates" because you don't like Adam Sandler and because the trailers made it look slapstick and dorky, rethink that decision and give it a go. Charming movie, very touching. Really a movie about true love and dedication.

Um....also rented "Secret Window" and "Mystic River" (ratings: liked and not so much, respectively). I do like Johnny Depp. I can't help it. Watched "Kill Bill" again with PU2 (she had never seen it). Still have "Last Samuri" to watch.

Could my life BE any more exciting? I can't imagine how. Oh yeah. They are resurfacing the street in front of the house today and tomorrow. Take THAT, you posers!

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Friday, July 02, 2004

Just a Ride - Jem

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
except that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's never gonna stop

Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride

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Random thoughts

Re: Celebrity Poker Showdown: Chicks rule! As if we ever doubted it. But riddle me this....if both seasons of CPS have ended up with women winners (Nicole Sullivan and now Maura Tierney), why is it that female professional poker players don't do better? Annie Duke is the top female pro, and she has made something like $750,000 since 1995 or so. I think her brother makes that much every time he takes a dump. But hey, Annie, I love ya! Hang in there. I'm totally on your side.

Re: The rest of summer tv. Barf!!!!

Re: Paige Davis. Did she REALLY do a strip tease???? I would pay to see that...

Re: Flip flops. Do you people realize how annoying it is to the rest of us listening to your shoes go "pop pop pop pop pop" with every step that you take? Here's a $20. Go get some cheap sneakers. Please.

Re: The fact that Hubcap is on an important job interview today. If any of you have any connections with higher powers, please put in a word for him today.

Re: Slanty type and other job-related rants. Here is the latest. I saw a note from a producer to a writer advising that he "simplify this by providing greater detail."

Re: Mo leaving California. :-(

Re: Independence Day. Have a good one!

Re: The thought for the day: "Vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit." - "Bidden or not bidden, God is present."

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